EDIT: I wrote this on August 8th and I didn't feel like posting it then. I do now because it seems more fitting. Hehe. Anyways, I didn't edit anything of the original post and if anything, I would've liked to add even more depth in it since more has happened since. Okay, here goes. I have to finish getting off the computer so we're disassembling it. My dad is buggin' me.
Peace,
Kenneth
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August 8, 2003
[Music || Delta Goodrem, "This Is Not Me"]
"I didn't like it because I had lost my way."

Why is it that I'm up at 3 a.m. in a conversation where the truth and lies mix into a concoction of poison?

There's just something that isn't working. And I knew it long ago. And I wanted to end it. I did, but I don't know why it was led on. I feel sick, disgusted, and I want to vomit. I don't want to sleep. Then I can't wait up to volunteer on time.

I hate it. I hate us both. I hate this friendship with poison thorns. I hate the piercing of when I tell my truths, I hear them sting back. You ask for the truth, but I already know it will come back and hurt me. No one can hand the truth.

Why can't I stay in my world? No one can take that away from me. This is my blog so I can be the victim. I feel mentally raped of my thoughts. How could I be so vulnerable? How could I let my guard down so you could hurt me in the end. I feel absolutely livid.

There are times like this when I want The Boxcar Children days back again. Young, Jessica... where art thou? Still, things change. People change. Everything changes.

I'm optimistic much of the time. I have to look on the bright side. The cup is half full.

I'm just so confused. How can I be led on to something I know I will regret. If I end this friendship now, I will be blamed for everything. It's only two more weeks until it disappears. Why couldn't I have done that. This is why it's poison. This is poison.

I just don't know what to do. I guess since I'm in this state I'm crazy enough to post about friends.

I use to think I could live without friends. Friends have an "end" in it (I got that from a great book called "Wonder"). I'm grateful for the friendships that I have started and for the people I have gotten to know over my years at San Gabriel. Inspired by BSC: If I count the number of friends I have in one hand, that's a lot of friends.

Olivia - Thank you for everything. You have kept me sane and even though at times we hit a rough patch in our friendship, it is always mended without a doubt. Who would've thought that we would hit it off so well. You are so thoughtful and have let me grow into a better person. I can only hope I have given back 1/10 of the support you have given me. Don't listen to what people say, we know where we stand. I don't want to think how this will work once we part, but try as I might.. I swear I will keep this friendship in tact. You are my friend for life. I will also remember that money doesn't grow on trees.

Kit - Times have been hell, but I know there is more to this friendship than criticism and distrust. Recall the sprinkles of junior year? You have given me the confidence to dream higher. You have brought me down from Cloud 9 and revealed to me that the world isn't as perfect as we all want it to be. There is a darker side to human nature. Thank you for all the fun times and times you have listened to me. You are an amazing person who taught me that beliving in one's self is the first step to happiness.

Ali - Your insight and realism (is that even the right word) are amazing. I love how you tell me I can do whatever I want to. That I can be whoever I want to. That the world isn't a beautiful place but we can make it one if we try. I know I haven't been the friend that has paid you back or been there for you. We both have our own space. You are so cool and a bit mysterious, thank you for letting me know that being myself is okay. You are truly an amazing person and I'm glad to have seen whatever part of your world you've shared with me. It's okay to question and find out new discoveries! That's what life is all about: checking out if windows are see-through at Farmer's Market and sitting on expensive cheese restaurant stools.

Clay - I know we haven't known each other for as long but it doesn't feel that way. To partially quote Kelly Clarkson, "some people search a lifetime" for a friend that just let's them be. Whenever I'm around you I don't have to feel that I have to put a facade on. I can just be myself and that's okay. And all the "good times" of just being lazy. Being friends doesn't mean one has to watch a movie everytime or have an event planned; just playing the guitar is amusing enough. Thank you for being yourself and not conforming to what society and advertisements dictate. I shouldn't care what people think, I've learned to take a step back and speak in Cantonese for fun.

Helen - Although we haven't been the as close as freshman and sophomore year, the times we shared are forever burned in my memories. You have taught me that life isn't so bad. We can have a "beautiful life" and we should never stop dreaming. I remember your jokes (about cooking for your cousin, lol). I remember a Jpeg you emailed to me: "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." No matter what lemons Ms. Chen throws at me, I shall never forget to smile and laugh. I wish you a beautiful life and I know we will have one, why? "Because We Want To!"

Danh - I like how you show me the world is a wonderful place and there is more good than bad. And you know what, mostly, it is.

Jue - You are hilarious. I think a large part of who I am today was shaped by you. You taught me that I could be myself and I didn't have to be "normal." Who gives a --- if people don't care? We can do what we want and just be ourselves. You taught me how to question everything. There isn't anything called a stupid question. Also, who knew aluminum foil could make such crafty tin figures? Everything can be seen in a different way. Now, I think we've lost what connected us in a large account. I'm more grounded, but I know we'll always have windshield wiper photos.

Steven - Thank you for never taking anything too seriously. You have such a thick skin against comments that if directed at me, would break my fragile bones. Although I don't agree with you on many subjects and morals, I respect you being able to do as you please. We will always have Lene Marlin, I hope.

It finally hit me. About an hour ago, my aunt came to visit me. She and me are pretty close because growing up, I use to hang around her a lot. She gave me a hug and then started breaking down. Up until now, I didn't feel that homesick but then it hit me and this wave of emotion came pouring out. I don't know if my parents noticed or chose not to. I feel happy yet sad. Daring yet reserved.

I truly feel like a bird now! "I'm like a bird" like Nelly Furtado and I'm spreading my wings to finally fly by myself! I'm like Nemo from "Finding Nemo." :o)

[Music || Appleton, "Everything Eventually"]
Yesterday was basically my final day hanging out before college. Today I'm packing everything and everything is a lot.

Friday morning, I woke up early but my eyes couldn't open. I fell back asleep and bathed in the afternoon sunshine warming my blinds. Olivia came over around 2 and I still wasn't out of my PJs yet. I threw on my Enviromental shirt (very comfy) and we ran off to Vons. The night before, we decided that our plan was to bake something since it was cheap and fun and a great activity to bond. Since I didn't want to admit I didn't eat anything for lunch yet and I guess she didn't either, we were looking at brownies and cake mix with no interest. Then she came up with the great idea of baking a pizza. Vons didn't have any Bobli I could find, so we ended up "baking" a frozen Barons pizza for the low price of $3.99. Also, I ran off with two samples of Pepsi Vanilla (which is pretty good).

So.. while we heated up tater tots (left overs I bought) and the pizza, we watched an episode of California Dreams and went through my photo album of memories (along with some old school work). Alas, after much relaxing, she had to depart.

A couple hours later, I was suppose to catch a last movie with Clay at the Academy. A sudden turn of events happened; my car's tire went flat and I had to dangerously drive home to some scolding from my dad for driving with the flat tire "so far" (one street). So the movie was out of the question and nothing was really playing. After a trip to Best Buys and a disasterous discovery of the so-called health restaurant "The Good Earth," we were heading for nowhere. Good thing he suggested we could watch a movie from his vast DVD collection. So, this is how I was able to finally see his brother and large family in the flesh for a bit longer than half a minute. Anyways, after my first experience with a chick named Daria, I was heading for home. Not saying goodbye, but rather saying until the next time our paths are woven again.

And it is not until today that I realize that when I do come back to visit, we will change (of course, not completely). Still, change is forever constant and although we may never like it, it is the circle of life (sung by Disney stars such as Hilary Duff on the Special Edition DVD release of "The Lion King" out soon!). Whatever may come my way, good or bad.. I am forever thankful for all the happy times shared. So here's to the next time, when we will discover more of ourselves.

"Do you still?" - Amanda Latona

[Music || Amanda Latona, "Do You Still"]
I'm going to blog about my day today later on. (EDIT/continuing: Since I'm not in the moment NOW that I'm blogging two days later, my tone is going to be blah but I rather not forget this)
---
Revisiting one of our "discovered restaurants" Soda Jerks, Olivia and I just bonded on Thursday. Afterwards, with a couple hours to kill and no money, we strolled along Lake Ave. A lady at Pier 1 assumed we were really interested in buying their overpriced Director's Chairs for our apartment or school or whatever. It was just a very simple, relaxing afternoon. Before our Matador get-together, I suggested we take one of those Kawaii picture booth things. The one shop at Garfield/Valley had many machines but not a single one that we preferred that WORKED. Then we went to the place next to SUP bookstore on Valley (near Focus shopping center) and browsed through two shops that had the photo booths. We ended up taking it at one that didn't show our faces in their computer screen but oh well, memories are memories!

We parted. I went home to change and put my old rollerblades in the car. After buying two bags of hot cheetos at Vons for the get-together, I headed off to Almansor park. Arriving at the scheduled 4 o'clock dot, no one was there! I headed back home to brush my teeth to kill time. When I returned half an hour later, I only sat Tiff, Rosie, Syl, and Betsy playing tennis. Later on, more staffers came by. At the park, we didn't really play tennis or skate much (although there was a game of freeze tag that made me wonder if I had asthma). Our group just munched on chips and soda (we had to make a run to Vons to buy cups and ice because no one brought any.. boy, am I low on money!) and talked. Around 8 p.m., everyone was departing. It was time to say goodbye (the second time) to my much beloved writing staff (although not everyone showed up!). Good luck and have fun everyone!

I went home and fell asleep watching my brother's "Daredevil" DVD.

[Music || Kaci, "I'm Not Anybody's Girl" (album)]
Yesterday was interesting. I didn't get to catch the screening of "Thirteen" cos some punks had to show up early (dontcha all have a life? Grr.) I'm so bitter. Anyways, it didn't really matter. After all, I was able

Earlier in the day, I was late to volunteer at the hospital my last day. No one really cared to say hi to me or anything so I didn't say my last goodbyes to them. However, I would like to wish them all my thank yous and such on my blog. Haha. The doctors and nurses in the ER are some tough workin' folks! Olivia and I had cafeteria food and although it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't bad at all. Their salad wasn't spoiled like last time. And this time, there was sugary dessert. Afterwards, we packed clothes and vetoed CDs. Clothes was much easier to pick than my collection of CDs (we've limited it down to 25). I had to part with some very good CDs (at least for a short while) and now listening to Kaci, I'm regreting not choosing it in the Top 25! After we had some bonding basketball HORSE, it was time to say a' biento.

Later in the evening, even though it was in the nick of time, I asked Clay to accompany me to catch the screening of "Thirteen." For a moment, I was devasted when I found out they were full. I was turned away with a consolation of a coupon for 20% off at Organized Living. Pooey. Still, all was not lost. I ended up watching some everyday women talking about their sexual feelings Oxygen special that Clay taped. Also, his sister has some really good recipe on some summer salad or something. Very Nigella-like. To end a memory short, I've never been on top of a roof. I think that's pretty cool but I would think my neighbors would get mad and call the cops or something.

[Music || Kelly Clarkson, "Low"]
Kit just called me to clarify things. Although I completely agreed with him, mutual aquaintances is the way I would like it, I had nothing to say. There really was nothing left to say and my monotone didn't give way to what I felt. I really had nothing to say and I didn't know what to say. What a strange feeling.

In this situation, I wasn't the more mature one. But that's just the way I am, I don't always come across as the most sympathatique person. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I should've. I just didn't know what to say because I had nothing to say.

Let's close Chapter II. "Rain On Me" is Ashanti's next single and I think it's just okay.

"I walk out of this darkness with no sense of regret." - Kelly Clarkson, "Low."
Now tell me, have you ever been low?

[Music || Lene Marlin, "Playing My Game" (album)]
Like Ashanti's album, there comes a time to start Chapter II in a relationship or dwindle down to a solid "The End." Today, I don't know what state of mind I would've been in if Helen wasn't at the library.

I honestly was confused because I didn't know where to stand in my relationship with Kit. There have been good times, but for quite some time, I felt the friendship took its turn for the nasty. Yet, what I wanted, I could not have. It was not fair to have a friend, but a friend AT A DISTANCE. It wouldn't be fair at all, but I didn't know what to say. He's leaving for college tomorrow and yet our friendship was on the line - nothing was happening. After some reasoning, I decided.. it was better to talk than to not talk at all. Thinking he was leaving today (this morning), I called him last night but to no avail. Same this morning. But then around noon, Lien called and said he was still here and we were going to have lunch. I could already picture the silence, but somehow.. I could not let a friend who has shaped me in some way leave without seeing him off.

And silence there was. I didn't have much to say and I didn't want to throw anything false into the doomed concoction. I discovered today that silence was worst than angry words. It was very unnatural and even though I have not seen/hear him in a week and more, nothing changed. I could sense this friendship will never be what it once was. There was no one to blame and I don't think there should be. It's just that sometimes, after the pretense, people find out they really weren't the friends they thought they were. Maybe the things I did not want to see was what I backed away from and distanced myself for a while from the friendship.

So, I did not have the strength to say anything. Partly, I did not know what to say and I could not say it. I was so confused and my head was spinning. This was reality. Turned out, weak me did not have to say anything. As Lien was dropping me off at my house after lunch, I thanked her and wished Kit good luck and to see him around. Instead, he asked to speak to me as she waited in the car. So there it was, the line was drawn and the shaky cradle fell down.

It was expected, but all my words were lost. I gave an Amy Studt "false smile" to not let my nervous guard down even more and walked slowly into my house (as to not run since that would seem worse). I felt happy and sad at the same time like Leigh at the end of the book "Dear Mr. Henshaw." Yet, my emotions were mixed. I wanted to be friends, yet the person I wanted to be mutual friends with was no longer a person I thought I knew. I don't know why I felt this way when ending the mess was what I wanted most at times. I had to talk to someone.

I phoned Helen. No one picked up. Earlier in the day, she called me and we talked. I hinted that I might see her at Monterey Park Library later in the afternoon since she said she was planning to go there. Thank goodness, I needed to talk to her more than ever. It seemed as if these last couple of days, the connection and bond we had during sophomore and freshman year was always there. Within five minutes, I told my dad I was heading for the library and snatched my recently made photo album of memories and jumped in the car.

Blasting Delta Goodrem's "Born To Try" with the windows rolled down, my mind was mixed with so many emotions. I had to talk to someone. In my mind, I prayed "Please Helen, be there!" And I was in a nervous state of mind when I saw her. She was asking me what was wrong, but it wasn't until we went to the park across to talk that I finally let go (the library IS not a place to do this type of talking!). I just let everything pour out. Thank you Helen, for listening to me and allowing me to express what I feel. The day turned out to be carefree and this definitely brought me closer to Helen. She tells me stuff AS IS and am glad to have a friend like her. It's funny how things work out.

These series of event allowed me to grow more as a person that I am forever becoming. Even if it isn't always easy.

[Music || Andy Griggs, "She's More"]
At Olivia and her mom's indirect recommendation, I decided to skip out on "Vege House" (next to the Bowling Alley on Valley across from Vons). I always go there for their lunch special but they have some of the rudest waiteress. It's like, "Hey you're Asian, you're here to eat.. we don't have to be nice to you!"

So I remembered Olivia said her mom took her to "New Happy Family Restaurant" (also on Valley but next to Mr. Baguette so it's further down the street) and she had a pleasant time there. I took my dad there for lunch today. I was SHOCKED once we sat down, the waiteress poured our tea for us! Something that would've never crossed "Vege House" waiteresses. Although their menus were similar, they did offer some exotic different dishes. I stuck with the very simple sauteed string beans cos I didn't feel like eating something heavy today (my dad orderd pineapple vege chicken which was pretty good - "Vege House" doesn't make that). My dad noticed they had a little dessert window in the corner so I went to look. They served mango pudding, taro pudding, and some drink. The waiteress noticed and came to our table and recommended I try something. I said "No thanks," but she was so persisitent in her Mandarin (which I don't understand). Then she noticed I didn't understand and kept persuading me in Cantonese! "Boba" came up at one point but I knew to say "No" because I have learned that restaurants can't make Boba as good as the specialty drink stores. She said "Our juice is very good, do you want it?" and she was saying it right to my face! How could I refuse!! I was being pushed over and I said couldn't refuse! I said "Okay." LOL

I was like "I bet it's gonna be expensive and not good" since the restaurant doesn't look like it's a drink-shop. Then I asked my dad what was the drink she was gonna bring cos I had no idea what it was except that it was juice so I assumed it was the one on the window counter. My dad said it was watermelon and I didn't have the heart to tell the waiteress I didn't like watermelon. I suppose no one drinks in that restaurant much because the waiteresses were talking about "watermelon juice" being ordered and I could over hear them! Quite a conversation! When my drink arrived, it was in a tall plastic cup and it was a pink, watermelon slush. I sipped a little and it was okay. I don't like the watermelon flavor much except in small doses. Too much makes me want to vomit. When the bill came, I was surprised the drink was only $1.65. A pretty good value but then again, it's not exactly cheap... it's just that nowadays places like Tea Station and Tapioca Express charge their customers $3-5 for a little slush that $1.65 seemed like nothing.

When I came home, I couldn't finish the drink cos it was making me nauseous. Haha. Still, "New Happy Family Restaurant" is a pretty good vegetarian restaurant. I recommend it but maybe they thought we were gonna give them like a $20 tip or something so they were being so nice. Perhaps a second visit is needed to see if they are geniunely that nice to all their customers most of the time!

[Music || Stacie Orrico, "(There's Gotta Be) More To Life"]
Yesterday, I spent the whole day with Helen. I can't believe a simple non-communication warped our relationship to na-da and now we're spending time catching up. It was so fun yesterday. I am going to miss times like these.

Okay, so what if Helen said we should cancel our plans the night before yesterday? I could NOT leave without seeing my best buddy who helped me during sophomore and freshman year so I showed up uninvited at her home. I finally got to see how her room looks like and we spent a lot of time reminicising. That is what "good times" are made of. These past few days, we've been having some great, heartfelt conversations. We've changed and I think in order to be friends, one has to allow the other to grow. I read that in some "Chicken Soup for Teenage Soul" book a long time ago.

After a couple hours taking pictures and looking at artwork, I asked her if she wanted to accompany me to Ikea to pick up my comforter and REALLY buy it this time. My mom was at work but it was better going without her because we might fight again. (Driving on the freeway, I was extra careful and didn't want to slack off my driving like I've been doing lately. I want to send my well wishes to Clay and co and his swollen pinky.)This time, we didn't spend much time browsing and went ahead to purchase. At my mom and Helen's suggestion, I ended up not fighting advice and went with the "Extra warm" comforter. That's $40 there. Then for the quilt cover, I went with the one on sale ($7.99), a colorful stripe combonation. I quite fancy it because of the nice price tag. (or else I would've liked to have gone with something more sunny and bright). :o)

Afterwards, I was hungry but I needed a pillow. We went over to the Meryvns/outdoors plaza across from Ikea. It was Tax Free day at Meryvns but nothing jumped out at me so I didn't buy. We walked along the shops (sitting at Office Depot chairs, walking through Target, trying on shoes and modelling at Chick's outdoors sale, etc) but what really made me mad was Burlington's Coat Factory! We were looking at the bed, comforter, sheets, section and all.. then some bitchy woman who works there scolds us for sitting on the beds. HELLO, if you expect people to buy your stuff and you leave beds out in the open, we can see if we like the material, etc. After Clay inspired me with his back talk to Carl's Jr and a candle shop on Main St., I wasn't gonna have any of it. I gave her a false smile back and said if they didn't want us sitting on them, they should put some signs around. I couldn't believe that I was talking to that bitch! If it was a year ago, I would've just went "Okay" and we would've left the store. I didn't want to be obnoxtious but the lady smiled back at me and said "But why would anybody want to go to a store and laid on their beds?" Then I went "Maybe we want to test out your products and if we liked it, we would buy it?" The bitch then went and brought her co-worker to tell us how they remake all the beds each day and how they put eight pillows on each. Okay, it's THEIR job to do that each day but they don't want us to mess up their sheets? Umm.. that makes zero sense. Lazy workers. Then I turned to Helen and told her "Well, we're going to Bath and Beyond" (which was right next to Burlington). The stupid bitch then tried to say "Oh, I didn't mean that you should leave..." but we left before she could finish! I was mad enough that I wanted to report her for turning Burlington's customer's away. She probably thought we weren't going to buy anything, but we might've! I was tossing a plastic apple around in my hand when she first saw me. Thinking it over now, I would've said "We're going to IKEA, you know.. where they actually like for your to touch and try out their items."

Gosh, the nerves of that saleswoman made me feel sad and angry. Discriminated in America!

Afterwards (it was about 5 p.m.), I was hungry so we headed back toward our familiar Alhambra area. With hours to kill (since Helen suggested we could do something with Ali after she gets off work), I craved Twohey's bittersweet ice cream. I ordered a garden burger and Helen got their amazing (but greasy) onion rings. Those onion rings are SO good but eat them only once in a while or you'll end up with a face full of pox. It was a nice, early dinner kind of but we had a lazy waiteress there that wouldn't refill my water. She was nice, but I really think she made our sundae wrong. It was not bittersweet at all.. it was more milk chocolate. Very bland and not so good so I left her a tip of only $1.00. Reasonable, but just under 10%.

With about a couple more hours to kill, I thought about visiting the Focus/99 Ranch Market area! We ended up looking at the plaza across from Lollicup that I've never been to. It's not that great but a nice experience. It's a litlte plaza with an indoors shopping mall built with a restaurant in it. The Chinese food fumes does not make a good shopping experience so that may explain why the store was so quiet. A worker there was spending her time surfing Yahoo for David Beckham pictures (I saw over her shoulder!) since the Sanrio-like store was deserted. Then, we went to those little booths to take photos. I never knew why people liked them so much but now I can see why! It makes a pretty cool effect and a keepsake for friends. Getting a wallet size pic is much better than those tiny ones (usually stickers) since I never got why people were so crazy over a tiny pic you can barely even see! The machine has such a quick timer but we got three shots. In the second one, I asked Helen to move more to the right and she thought I meant to switch sides so we swapped places quickly (I didn't complain since I didn't want to waste our take!) and started laughing hysterically cos I imagined it would've looked horrible since we swapped so quickly. Turns out it looked pretty spontaneous and funny so we choose it. It just had a picture of me laughing so hard and Helen looking very nice wondering what's going on lol. Great keepsake and it even has a date on it. Today I went to BigLots to buy a photo album to put keepsakes like that so I can remember them when I go to SF.

To make a long story short, we went to wait for Ali at her workplace (and we ordered some bitter Dragon Green tea). Mervyns was nearby so I went in to buy a Tax Free king size pillow (hey, having a twin bed, I think I deserve a huge pillow!). After all is said and done, the three of us (and Barbara) wanted to hang out as a group. It was impossible to do anything without the cost of money so at Helen's great suggestion.. we went to KTV (Chinese Karaoke place)! I've always wanted to go for so long!! I'm glad I did. Expensive and tricky (forcing everyone to purchase their overpriced drinks), it was an hour of memories. I opted to go for well-known power ballads and campy radio favorites so I could scream a la Kelly Clarkson style (sorry, the place is slow at updating current songs so no "Dirrty," no "Miss Independent," no "A Moment Like This"!) so my choices included "My Heart Will Go On," "Sometimes," and "Baby One More Time"! Our group effort on "My Heart Will Go On" was so hilarious that I caught myself laughing at it today at lunch. We literally belted the song out so loud that our vocals were surely heard through the door! Go Celine Dion style singing!! I wanted to put all my emotion into the song as if Dianne Warren wrote it for me and that I had to know that my heart will go on. I was screaming so hard I thought I would cry!! "My Heart Will Go On and on and on!!!" Helen was so good at Chinese rapping (Jay Chou) that I had to play Fat Joe in Ashanti songs and go "Uh huh," "Yeah," "Remix" cos I didn't know how to sing/read Chinese songs! It was so fun, that I hope when I come back for Winter Break we'll go again (with a bigger group and at another KTV since this one kinda wasn't that good). I was shocked at the bill (~$45) because they left an area for TIP. Without even hesitating, I wrote '$0.00" because.. what did they do to even deserve tips?! All they did was bring in our $3 (each)can of 7-up, Coke, and bottled water. There is NO TIPS for that!! However, today I thought it over and I think they meant tips cos we could've trashed their little Karaoke room and they had to clean it up. Still, the service lady was mean to us and didn't tell us how to operate to remote thing. Also, the loading time took up a lot of our hour so our extra 15 minutes we went over was ours (they didn't charge us because we told them we only wanted ONE HOUR and they didn't even come to tell us).

These are memories that I am glad I was able to have had.

BTW, the comforter wasn't overly warm and was great to sleep in. :0)