What's On My Mind...
It's 3:01 A.M. and I'm awake. I suddenly have the urge to write about all my fears, desires, and hope. And hopefully, this won't turn into a long, vague rant. Here goes...
Even though I'm only 20, I feel closer to graduating than many of my peers. If all goes well, I can be out of school in the year or so (maybe sooner). Why the rush? Practical reasons: expensive rent, tuition, living expenses; Personal reasons: I don't love SF, nothing's keeping me there, I hate school in general. This brings me to my fear. I haven't applied for internships yet, so I'm likely not going to get one. I am afraid of rejection, but mostly, I'm afraid of the future. It's not logical and that's the whole point of an internship, but I am scared that this internship will be where I'm stuck -- whether I like it or not. I've worked this hard for a BECA degree to find it'll be useless or in a field I don't terribly like. These days, I feel like I've wasted time on something that I don't care about anymore and it's too late to start over. Then again, college is mostly the same and in my opinion, people don't learn much.
This leads me to my other fear. I'm afraid to grow up. An internship is a job -- a REAL job. I know I'm suppose to handle all the responsibilities as an adult, but I am still held back by my parents. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. On one hand, I am loved, financially supported, and have a home. I can't logically drop that suddenly and move out; it would also be a slap to their face. However, I have always valued independence, privacy, and my free-spiritness. I am stuck at such a "young age," where I want to "grow up," be responsible, make it on my own, be treated as "an adult" like I'm expected to, etc.
I don't know what will happen in my future. I have no real plans after college. I am afraid of the real world, but I also know I have to go in it to find happiness and my "adult" self.
Another downer is loneliness. I have been hurt by so many people, who I have lost or pushed away. I know it's not my fault, but some friends I have pushed away and it is partly my fault. Lately, everybody is trying to discover themselves in school and work. I don't feel anybody is a reliable friend. But I am grateful to have people who I can intimately talk to every now and then or go out with to movies and dinners. But sometimes it's not enough. It's like I can't have a friend who I can intimately talk to and who will always be there for me and vice versa. Then again, how can I ask for that when I'm not always entirely honest with them. However, as seen with my one ex-friend, sometimes it is best not telling the whole truth. I don't know. However, no matter how much we change, we are still ourselves deep down. That sounds confusing, but it makes sense. All this "friends stuff" is so vague is because I don't want to reveal anyone's identity on my blog. That's not tactful.
I'm also lonely in the relationships department. I want to experience something, but I'm afraid to trust again. Also, I want it all. I can't settle for just hand holding stuff, but I dream of it. I do want the erotic, lustful sex, but I don't want to limit myself to it. These two cannot be one in the same. That's what hurts me. It's ying and yang and it cannot be mixed. I can't love a person who is into the sex I want. I can't explain it, but it doesn't work that way no matter how much compromise is met.
I use to think high school was the pits. It was. But I didn't realize after hs, life would be so difficult too. I wake up these days in fear, afraid of what will happen because I have nothing to look forward to. Just childish crap like trying to find a pair of jeans to buy and hem. That has been my goal for the last few days. Lame. Is that my life? In SF, I had a boring life. I have one here too. Without school/work, I am just here with no purpose. What is the purpose of my existence? I have asked that many times.
I don't like myself. I am rude and inconsiderate. I don't contribute nor do I want to. I am not intelligent, I just parrot back what others say or give the facade that I did the research/work. I am unnoticeable and people leave me. There must be something wrong with me, because I don't think many people I know feel this way.
I find living hard. I know I have a lot and many people would love to trade shoes with me. I know I should be grateful for everything and appreciate how much I have. But I can't fully grasp that. I live in fear that I have no purpose in life, and I don't strive for anything because there isn't anything I can or want to go for. Even if I do, I doubt I will be good at it. Enough with cliches like "The sky is the limit," because there are.
So now, I am going to sleep. It's a terrible thing to say, but I always secretly wish that when I wake up - I'm at peace, in a different place, where I belong. All of this, what I'm doing now and typing here, was a dream.
"The hardest thing in this world... is to live in it." - Buffy The Vampire Slayer, "The Gift"
It's 3:01 A.M. and I'm awake. I suddenly have the urge to write about all my fears, desires, and hope. And hopefully, this won't turn into a long, vague rant. Here goes...
Even though I'm only 20, I feel closer to graduating than many of my peers. If all goes well, I can be out of school in the year or so (maybe sooner). Why the rush? Practical reasons: expensive rent, tuition, living expenses; Personal reasons: I don't love SF, nothing's keeping me there, I hate school in general. This brings me to my fear. I haven't applied for internships yet, so I'm likely not going to get one. I am afraid of rejection, but mostly, I'm afraid of the future. It's not logical and that's the whole point of an internship, but I am scared that this internship will be where I'm stuck -- whether I like it or not. I've worked this hard for a BECA degree to find it'll be useless or in a field I don't terribly like. These days, I feel like I've wasted time on something that I don't care about anymore and it's too late to start over. Then again, college is mostly the same and in my opinion, people don't learn much.
This leads me to my other fear. I'm afraid to grow up. An internship is a job -- a REAL job. I know I'm suppose to handle all the responsibilities as an adult, but I am still held back by my parents. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. On one hand, I am loved, financially supported, and have a home. I can't logically drop that suddenly and move out; it would also be a slap to their face. However, I have always valued independence, privacy, and my free-spiritness. I am stuck at such a "young age," where I want to "grow up," be responsible, make it on my own, be treated as "an adult" like I'm expected to, etc.
I don't know what will happen in my future. I have no real plans after college. I am afraid of the real world, but I also know I have to go in it to find happiness and my "adult" self.
Another downer is loneliness. I have been hurt by so many people, who I have lost or pushed away. I know it's not my fault, but some friends I have pushed away and it is partly my fault. Lately, everybody is trying to discover themselves in school and work. I don't feel anybody is a reliable friend. But I am grateful to have people who I can intimately talk to every now and then or go out with to movies and dinners. But sometimes it's not enough. It's like I can't have a friend who I can intimately talk to and who will always be there for me and vice versa. Then again, how can I ask for that when I'm not always entirely honest with them. However, as seen with my one ex-friend, sometimes it is best not telling the whole truth. I don't know. However, no matter how much we change, we are still ourselves deep down. That sounds confusing, but it makes sense. All this "friends stuff" is so vague is because I don't want to reveal anyone's identity on my blog. That's not tactful.
I'm also lonely in the relationships department. I want to experience something, but I'm afraid to trust again. Also, I want it all. I can't settle for just hand holding stuff, but I dream of it. I do want the erotic, lustful sex, but I don't want to limit myself to it. These two cannot be one in the same. That's what hurts me. It's ying and yang and it cannot be mixed. I can't love a person who is into the sex I want. I can't explain it, but it doesn't work that way no matter how much compromise is met.
I use to think high school was the pits. It was. But I didn't realize after hs, life would be so difficult too. I wake up these days in fear, afraid of what will happen because I have nothing to look forward to. Just childish crap like trying to find a pair of jeans to buy and hem. That has been my goal for the last few days. Lame. Is that my life? In SF, I had a boring life. I have one here too. Without school/work, I am just here with no purpose. What is the purpose of my existence? I have asked that many times.
I don't like myself. I am rude and inconsiderate. I don't contribute nor do I want to. I am not intelligent, I just parrot back what others say or give the facade that I did the research/work. I am unnoticeable and people leave me. There must be something wrong with me, because I don't think many people I know feel this way.
I find living hard. I know I have a lot and many people would love to trade shoes with me. I know I should be grateful for everything and appreciate how much I have. But I can't fully grasp that. I live in fear that I have no purpose in life, and I don't strive for anything because there isn't anything I can or want to go for. Even if I do, I doubt I will be good at it. Enough with cliches like "The sky is the limit," because there are.
So now, I am going to sleep. It's a terrible thing to say, but I always secretly wish that when I wake up - I'm at peace, in a different place, where I belong. All of this, what I'm doing now and typing here, was a dream.
"The hardest thing in this world... is to live in it." - Buffy The Vampire Slayer, "The Gift"
