"Can't Sleep"
[Music || Christina Aguilera, "Fighter"]
I know, I know. I shouldn't have picked up the call from Kit tonight but I kind of felt bad since I was the one who called him yesterday. I keep saying I want to be his friend, so I try to be mutual and nice and non-judgemental but it doesn't work.

It's not his fault since he has changed. It's just ever since somebody hurt me really bad, I have a hard time forgiving and starting anew. It's difficult because no matter how that person changed, they're still the one who tore your soul apart.

I know some bad things in the high school years gap with Helen. I am really grateful she was able to forgive me and now we're close friends. She can do it for me, so I question myself why I can't do it for others?

I think I need to try harder to nuture some of my friendships. But, I try sometimes and I end up feeling really bad, discouraged, and I further ask myself why I put up with situations that don't make me happy. I suppose, the answer lies in nuturing and putting in effort -- if that doesn't work and the person really is an a-hole, then it's time to cut the ties that bind.

You see, the thing that parallels this is that tomorrow I want to pay a visit to an old friend. A really close friend. A friend I cared deeply for. It ended, for reasons I am unclear. I can't sleep right now thinking about what will happen. I pray she will give me a chance, pray that she will want to have a conservation, pray she will put in some effort to save what use to be so close. If it cannot, I will be sad, but at least I know I didn't sit there and let it go. This is the final effort on my part and I hope it's not too late. My pride is on the line, but I have no shame. I really care for this. I really do.

"Happy 18th Birthday, Clay!"
[Music || Christina Milian, "Dip It Low"]
You're now legal. What are you going to do? Buy a Lottery ticket? $10 million jackpot! Buy a R-rated movie without shame? Visit a sex store? The possibilities are endless!

Anyway, this post is a reminder to call Clay tomorrow to wish him a Happy B-day since I haven't seen him online lately. Hope he's enjoying all this pre-graduation bonding. Congratulations for being "Most Unique"!

"Um, Pre-pre-twentysomething"
[Music || Jamie Cullum, "All At Sea"]
I forgot to make a post about Jamie Cullum, my newfound, chill-sexy-jazz-pop obsession. I wanted to go see him at the Roxy last night so bad but my pride of not paying the extra Under 21 cover charge got in the way.

I bought his album on a whim. I was flipping through my mom's recent issue of People and noticed his "kewl" picture on the music reviews page. The album got a perfect score. That surely meant something. Reading the review, I found a lot of the lyrics were things I would love to listen to.

Even though I'm not twenty yet, I partly bought the album, amptly titled "twentysomething," because I am prepared to listen to it when I get depressed about not knowing what to do in my 20s. Smart, eh?

Plus, songs like "All At Sea," the smash hit AC/AAA single, is relaxing and beautifully written. It's about wanting to be alone, just for a while. Ileanna even knows who he is! His album debut at #93 on Billboard while it went triple platinum in his homeland, the UK, last fall. He's being billed as the male Norah Jones.

So, once I read about him, I checked out a clip of "All At Sea" online. That was enough to persuade me to purchase his album. I went to Tower Records the next day and used my year-old gift card on the $9.47 CD (it's pricey, since I heard it's $6.99 at Best Buy, but I rather use my gift card and not spend cold cash).

The album took some getting use to, since it's not very poppy. That's a good thing. I need more CDs with depth in my CD rack. Granted, I won't ever take "twentysomething" to work out with. It's the type of CD for those mellow, rainy days when I want to think profoundly and sip Earl Grey tea.

"Update"
[Music || JoJo, "Leave (Get Out)"]
So, here I am once again. Who could've known that as we grow older, things become more tumultuous?

It's kind of weird coming back home. It feels like my one year in school was a daydream. Alas, I miss parts of it; the experience, the people, the independence. What a learning experience! Now I'm back and soaking in the sunshine.

I revisited SGHS yesterday with Ileanna. Times have changed; I don't even remember how crowded high school was, when I thought I knew everything. I revisited "The Matador," remembering the deadlines we had. Deadlines will always be deadlines. I also paid a short visit to Mme Arscott. It was cool to get an update on the school.

Now here's what I wanted to blog about. Coming back, I didn't realize that as I was changing and discovering myself, so were my friends. Lots of things happen in one year. Lots. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Helen and lots were talked about. Our aspirations and dreams, our struggles and our hopes for the future.

Talking about this scared me. In 1 year, I'll be 20. In 10, I'll be 30. That's old. And I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I mean, I thought I had something going on but it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I'm really the type who's naive and doesn't know what a relationship is. I mean, I can't even tell when people like me until they tell me they do. And what I think is a buddling relationship, is more of a hallucination. Kind of like the movie I borrowed called "Abandon."

Oh well... that's why I vow to be alone and shut myself away from everyone. I don't need anybody because that relationship parp is hard work, confusing, and it takes too much time. So, I've decided this a while ago, why not enjoy the company of myself? The one person who really knows me.

It's selfish and pathetic, but I hella like it. Why be mad at others who don't understand me? Why waste time on losers? Why put time in? Why make myself feel sad when I don't need that?

From now on, I'll shut them out. It's lust than love now, even though I don't think I can tell the difference.