"The Reflection"
[Music Sarah McLaughlan, "World On Fire"]
So here's the post where I reflect on summer. This type of post comes around at the end of every school year and the beginning of every fall. It's time for me to take a deep breath and gather all my thoughts into a single post.
I learned this summer that no matter how much effort I put in or if I try my utter most, things can sometime fall apart. The precious line of a close, kindled friendship can snap. When the power doesn't belong to me and I don't have control, I feel helpless, just staring through the window pane and watching the person I love drift further, deeper into the fog until all that is evidence our relationship existed are photographs and a shell hanging in my car. Things I cannot part without but things I don't want to look back on. They bring back happy memories but at the same time, sadness at what the future no longer holds. Although I have kept myself looking strong like what you said to me doesn't matter, I break inside. Inside, where I reveal my sorrow to myself. This is something I don't want to think about. I know one day, I will completely let my caged memories of you go, flying free like a bird. I'm getting there.
---
I have so many chaotic thoughts within my mind. So much I don't want to think of. So much I don't want to deal with. So much I don't want to face. I feel like the farther I run, using plans to look forward to and school to distract myself, my mental pollution will catch up to me sooner or later. That is my greatest fear. The problem is, I have so much I need to confront, forgive, forget, and live out, that I scattered them altogether. Now I don't even know what is wrong with me since I've put them behind me. I feel like I'm in Sylvia Plath's description of a bell jar. I want to cover my hands with my ears, stop the vibration of this craziness. Let me relax and forget. Let me be cleansed and born again with pure thoughts. Erase all my troubled thoughts so I will not know them.
---
I love my friend. But I cannot express it. I value our friendship. I want to tell her this, but I don't know how to form the words. We are close, but I cannot share this with her. I'm afraid that if I will scare her away or anything. I worry that I cannot live up to her expectation; I cannot give her everything she needs; I cannot guarantee it will work out. I don't want that, I don't want to hurt someone I care so much about. I keep this to myself. But one day, I will tell her that I do love her. Love is a hard word to use; it means something different to everyone. This love I am proclaiming, I do not know how to describe. But I feel it. I feel it in my soul. I know this is a friend I love. Love is a strong word, but it is one I feel is proper to describe this. If one is reading this, I can guarantee you, my definition of love is different than yours. I cannot describe it.
I cannot.
Summer is over for one year. These are the most important things I want to reflect on. Good luck.
[Music Sarah McLaughlan, "World On Fire"]
So here's the post where I reflect on summer. This type of post comes around at the end of every school year and the beginning of every fall. It's time for me to take a deep breath and gather all my thoughts into a single post.
I learned this summer that no matter how much effort I put in or if I try my utter most, things can sometime fall apart. The precious line of a close, kindled friendship can snap. When the power doesn't belong to me and I don't have control, I feel helpless, just staring through the window pane and watching the person I love drift further, deeper into the fog until all that is evidence our relationship existed are photographs and a shell hanging in my car. Things I cannot part without but things I don't want to look back on. They bring back happy memories but at the same time, sadness at what the future no longer holds. Although I have kept myself looking strong like what you said to me doesn't matter, I break inside. Inside, where I reveal my sorrow to myself. This is something I don't want to think about. I know one day, I will completely let my caged memories of you go, flying free like a bird. I'm getting there.
---
I have so many chaotic thoughts within my mind. So much I don't want to think of. So much I don't want to deal with. So much I don't want to face. I feel like the farther I run, using plans to look forward to and school to distract myself, my mental pollution will catch up to me sooner or later. That is my greatest fear. The problem is, I have so much I need to confront, forgive, forget, and live out, that I scattered them altogether. Now I don't even know what is wrong with me since I've put them behind me. I feel like I'm in Sylvia Plath's description of a bell jar. I want to cover my hands with my ears, stop the vibration of this craziness. Let me relax and forget. Let me be cleansed and born again with pure thoughts. Erase all my troubled thoughts so I will not know them.
---
I love my friend. But I cannot express it. I value our friendship. I want to tell her this, but I don't know how to form the words. We are close, but I cannot share this with her. I'm afraid that if I will scare her away or anything. I worry that I cannot live up to her expectation; I cannot give her everything she needs; I cannot guarantee it will work out. I don't want that, I don't want to hurt someone I care so much about. I keep this to myself. But one day, I will tell her that I do love her. Love is a hard word to use; it means something different to everyone. This love I am proclaiming, I do not know how to describe. But I feel it. I feel it in my soul. I know this is a friend I love. Love is a strong word, but it is one I feel is proper to describe this. If one is reading this, I can guarantee you, my definition of love is different than yours. I cannot describe it.
I cannot.
Summer is over for one year. These are the most important things I want to reflect on. Good luck.
