The traffic light has traumatized me. I was thinking of going to that nice park to do some reading today but after I was done dressing, I felt back on my bed to read and sleep. I feel afraid. I don't know why. Afraid of driving because I have yet to receive my potential ticket.

I remember hearing how Tracy got a ticket and she didn't want to drive afterwards. I have that feeling now. This might be all out of being paranoid or the "flash" was a sign to to drive for awhile. I just feel so trapped. I feel I have to find the strength and joy again to drive.. but I'm afraid.

[Listening to Delta Goodrem, "Lost Without You"]
I'm listening to the first few lines of "Lost Without You," a song that has grown on me... I don't mind either Jaci or Delta's version. They're both great.

"I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes, a little righteous and too proud..."
Likewise, I regret what I posted when I was angry. See, I go all out on a crazy tirade when I'm pissed and I need to rant.

Today I woke up with my rubber bands hurting so much. I had to pull them off my teeth. I think it was because I breathe through my mouth when I sleep.

"Monica's Story" is interesting and a slow read cos of the small print. Andrew Morton's writing style is not a favorite of mine. It's a bit slow imo.

Anywho.. an uneventful 4th of July. Like always. I like it though.

I must also conclude and reinstate that RubyBlue's unreleased album "Beyond Pink" is nearly perfect.

I hate how the story ends.

[Listening to Delta Goodrem, "Predictable"]
It's not fair. And I'm not going to bottle it up since it's pissing me off.

Maybe I'm not 100% innocent but how dare you tell me how to feel. It doesn't make any sense that you speak smack behind my back and spread lies. I don't even know why I was ever so blindsided. The only time I talk parp about you to people who actually care is when it gets to my boiling point that I don't understand why I'm tripping over feeling so low again.

I don't want to blame myself. And I shouldn't. This isn't my wrongdoing. It's not MY fault. I don't try to dictate people and use them.

Gosh, you're horrible. Despicable. Mad.
On top of all that, I woke up with a fucking bad dream before you came along.

"My eyes are opening this time. And I read you. You're just so predictable. In every way. I want you to know I know your game. It's so unbelievable.
How you never change." - "Predictable," Delta Goodrem

[Listening to Jaci Velasquez, "Lost Without You"]
Oh my word.. I love Sissel's album. It's surprising how I forgot that I loved it. I'm discovering it once again in my CD player. The Lene Marlin written songs are amazing.

Speaking of amazing, today I found Monica's Story! Oh my word! That's why I love those discount book stores. I spent like 30 minutes just picking up stuff and reading the synopsis. It's a "me thing." I love searching for great book deals. It feels like I'm on a shopping spree. Lol. Some of the best books I've read are from the book stories. What can I say? Hard covered, freshly printed, and a great price. I have to control myself from buying too many books (some I might not read!) complusively. I guess I sort of feel what people mean when there's a "really big sale" at Robinson May.

Also, I rewatched "Shall We Dance?" again - this time with my aunt. It's so charming without the oversaturation. I hope J.Lo doesn't remake it cos she's ruin it. I just know it. An English language adaptation will surely kill it since our language sounds so ugly.

Today I actually got to do some work. Some choppy conversational Canton translation. And I got to restock hundreds KY jelly!

America's Next Top Model is getting better and better. I like the lesbian innuendos with Adrianne and Elyse.

[Listening to Clay Aiken, "This Is The Night"]
BTW, I regret things I have posted. Some posts are just to express my thoughts and emotions out. Like, when you're angry... you want to express it - I write it out - and then later when you've cooled down, you don't feel so angry about something or someone anymore. That's why my posts don't reflect things in reality. There ya go, don't judge me based on my posts and unbalanced emotions.

Does anyone remember that boat scene in "My Best Friend's Wedding"? That is how you should live life. Don't make Julia's mistake!

[Listening to Amy Studt, "Seconds Away"]
Now I know how Bjork felt in "Dancer in the Dark" while making those bobby pins. Sweat shop labor. That was what I was doing when I volunteered today! I rolled up a hundred (literally! I read the box) rubber bands cos the hospital had nothing for me to do. However, it was an interesting experience that I won't forget. It's a story I can tell when I have to describe my "worst job" when I become famous. :-) MWAHHAHA.

Also, today I had some of the sexiest, most delicious chocolate ice cream at some really hip parlor in Old Towne Pasadena. I don't know what it's called.. but it's even better than Soda Jerks (really!). I sealed my napkin with a kiss to the cashier.

Now I forgot what else I wanted to post about. It was something important but then I was interrupted. I also bought some shower gel today. It wasn't the ones with watermelon seeds in it or whatever. Haha.

Also, a big fat flying Fuck You to J Records for disrespecting their talented artist Amanda Latona. Rumor has it they dropped her and the long awaited debut album (I've been waiting!) won't see the day of light.

[Listening to Amy Studt, "Beautiful Lie"]
While I'm at it. I updated my CD Player with my latest albums which include Mirah's "You Think It's Like This But Really It's Like This." I noticed I never blogged about my super experience at Mirah's concert last Tuesday!

The biggest Mirah fan Clay drove me there. The Echo happened to not even have a sign outside. Sadly, Ms. Burkhart did not attend. Mirah give a sexy and rocking gig! I also thought another opening act Rebecca Percey gave an honest and thoughtful number. The LA Times agree with me that Mirah stole the show and Rebecca gave a great performance.

Mirah even signed my album. She doesn't sign.. she writes it out! How cool! She looks even more beautiful in person. I was quite shy so I didn't talk to her. After all, I'm not the biggest Mirah fan! Clay happened to engage in an intimate conversation which even led to him saying he burned her album! I was shocked at that little detail.

Mirah's set included such unforgetable numbers (well, I didn't quite memorize any of her songs... so oops) as "Dreamboat," "Sweepstake Prize," and "The Garden" (a sing-along!). Instead of spending $10 on a vegan bracelet or Rebecca's album (which I plan to buy someday), I purchased an un-burned album of Mirah's debut "You Think It's Like This But Really It's Like This."

This post may sound stale because of the period of time it took me to write it since the concert... but what a night!

[Listening to Amy Studt, "If Only"]
I have to rant. I feel like I made friends with poison. The only thing sad about this is that I shouldn't care at this point of my life when I won't ever see poison again. It only saddens me that poison doesn't get it.

I know it isn't completely my fault, but I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am. I shouldn't be accused every single time of who I am. I feel what I feel. Nobody should tell me who I should be.

And the saddest part of today is that I was getting out of the hell hole in my mind when suddenly poison is injected under my skin to make me feel like @#$Z again.

It didn't use to be like this. Like all this fucked up shit. And in the middle of all this, I was appointed the blame. What a waste of me.
---
Oh, I feel like total shitz again. I don't know why I am always lured into making conversation with the devil. I am playing with fire here. Do you know how it feels to think someone will change, but they don't? And I KNOW I shouldn't try to make them change. It's just that... you know, I shouldn't let myself be hurt again from someone so insensitive and untactful.

SIGH... I don't know where I'm going with this post. I'm just running in circles. I'm blasting up Amy Studt's "Ladder In My Tights," which is a dedication to my fked up situation.

How can it that I can consider someone my friend when all the time, I'm put down and I'm told how and how not to feel? Maybe I'm blinded from my rose colored glasses.

Excerpts from "Ladder In My Tights" by Amy Studt:

"Why'd you wanna pick on me and not the rest?
Does it make you feel big?
Does it make you feel clever?
So tell me how's the weather. "
[I really like this line because I am constantly asking myself, "why me?" out of the group. And it ends with a silly (possibly written by an amateur) and light-hearted Who-Gives-A-FK reply.]


"Oh if I just had a little more time
I'd show you the world feels so much better when you find you don't fit
There's a ladder in your tights
And who gives a fuck if -whoops- you ain't shiny and perfect."
[This line/chorus is a perfect answer of showing to people that I'm happy with who I am and I don't need any dictation. I remember screaming this line when I drove and drove on Thursday. I love hollering the line "Who gives a fuck" cos it relieves so much stress!]

"Yeah yeah yeah
Just one more one push trying to make me your clone
Marking me outta 10 for the label on my clothes
Just one more struck and I'm gonna hit back
I'm gonna burn down your house in a heated attack"
[This verse is so harsh! Haha.. I love how angry she sounds by saying how she has had it with the last straw. I hope no one gets so angry they'll burn down someone's house.. but sometimes we all feel that way. :-P lol]

Okay, enough analyzing with Amy's song. Lemme finish this up... with that I like tempting my fate with a knife as a friend because the good sometimes outweigh the cuts. It's S&M but.. I will be watch my distance. I like having diced pineapples for the sunny days and I'll dodge the stabs of this dangerous relationship.

[Listening to Amy Studt, "If Only"]
I'm going to be using "I feel" a lot in this post.
SFSU is a nice school and I'm really excited to be going to it! I got four classes and the campus is so cool.

I feel everything is happening too fast all of a sudden. My parents aren't helping. No one is. I don't know if what I'm feeling is natural. I feel selfish. I don't know............... I just want to feel safe. I want everything to turn out okay.

Summer is going too fast. Somehow I think this situation is the same as in "Anywhere But Here." The whole movie, Natalie Portman is trying to get away from her mom but at the end, she's leaving off for a college in the East Coast and she feels separated at the airport. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I feel that way. If that makes any sense.

I feel like I want to push everybody away at this point. I don't want to feel any sorrow which is mostly one-sided on my part. I don't know, I guess I'm selfish. Yet, I really, really really don't want to have anything left unsaid. I don't even know what the heck I'm talking about right now.

Lately, I've been feeling lost. Perhaps it's listening to Amy's depressing teen angsty album.