[Music || Liz Phair, "Why Can't I"]
I swear, in the future... the college system will change. It's not fair to select students based on how much extracirricular activies or how many APs they take. It's just not fucking fair to base acceptance on an essay which might not please you. High school is hell for at least 70% of us and it's not fair that people who don't even know us are basing if we're good enough for their fancy smancy school.

I don't know a solution for this. There probably never will be. Life is just meant to suck like this then. I mean, elementary school was hell. Junior high was hell. High school was hell. And college, really so far, is a bit hell as well. Will life after college be the same? I suppose so.

[Music || Lene Marlin, "Another Day"]
My lunch today: a Klondike "Big Bear" ice cream sandwich, Famous Amos chocolate Oreo-like cookies, and a bag of cheese Cheetos.

I woke up past 2 p.m. so I missed brunch lol. Plus, I was too lazy to drag myself out of bed. Dinner is at 5 p.m. but the food is nasty so I'm not that crazy about going each time.

I'm beginning to like this city more as I discover it. Yesterday I Muni-mapped my short trip to West Portal. It's so easy and close to get to but yet, I planned my trip so I was an hour early. My plan was to go to this independent theater to catch an afternoon showing of "Thirteen." Since ever Friday my classes end at 11 a.m., I'm free to explore.

West Portal is a nice street. The difference between SF and LA is that in LA, I rarely see these Ma and Pa shops. It surprises me how many gift shops and markets are not corporate run here. Their Rite Aide almost seems deserted. In Alhambra, everything is nicely put together by big conveninet chain corporations. I suppose we do have Ma and Pa shops, but since they are distinctively Chinese, I don't take notice.

I have yet to eat at a local restaurant yet. I'm never quite hungry enough, but yesterday I put my feet down and went into an ice cream parlor. It was grossly expensive, but it was good. It was some shop called Double Rainbow ice cream which is suppose to be award-winning. Lots of people were in there so I decided, why not? Their chocolate ice cream was amazing, but does not come close to anything produced by Fossleman's (in Soda Jerks, etc :)).

The movie theater was run-down but I liked it. Haha, the screen was out of focused during the previews and I was like "Noo... I paid to see a blurry screen" but luckily a worker fixed that before the movie also ran. Watching "Thirteen," it resonated with me on a level of parent and child. I didn't realize that my parents put up a lot with me while I grew up and that they loved me through it all. Near the end of the movie, I was near tears and I could hear some of the audience in a similar predicament. I love watching movies with just 4-5 other people in the audience. It was a great experience. If I return next week, I have to get a haircut.

Later on, I decided that taking the Muni home was pointless so I walked. I'm familiar with the streets now so it was a nice stroll and I even went through the Stonestown shopping center again. Now I'm burden with tons of homework, but having a laid back Friday was worth it.

As I am almost over my cold, I am feeling a lot better of myself. Being sick and alone are a terrible combination. Blech.

I shared my 1-year-plan with a few close friends and have been greeted from hostal to general indifference. Well, a little support to. What I was hoping for was little support because this is a hard thing to do. I am trying to prove something by being here - how will it make me look if I head back? Will I be disappointing anybody? Myself? Will I come back a failure of the real world?

The answer is I am not a failure. I learned today that if I indeed take the chance to go back, it just means that I'm not ready for independence in a big step. I have to take smaller steps and eventually, I'll be there. In the end, it's good. If it's not good, it's not the end.

Everything now is a learning experience for me. I am going to open up my possibilities. Tomorrow, I am going to go explore despite having two huge essays due next week and laundry to do. I'm going to make the best of what I've got.

In the end, everything happens for a reason. If I go back, new adventures will happen for me. If I stay, new opportunities will happen for me as well. There is no lose-lose in the situation.

The choice is ultimately up to me. Each choice I make, I'm learning a little something new about myself. I am growing indefinitely!

My room mate is out til Saturday, so it feels like I have my own room again. Ahh.. privacy is lovely. I can type very loudly.

[Music || Jay Chou, "Simple Love"]
Why am I so overly depressed these last couple days? I think maybe it's because being sick and alone are two deadly combinations. I might've went over the edge in this atmosphere had it not been for love ones who are there for me every step of the way.

Anyways, I feel much better now thanks to medicine and I've actually got an appetite for food. After two weeks, the cafeteria food is so gross! It's like, for frigging sakes... don't overcook the food! They haul out food in vast amounts so the food quality is blah. Yuck.

I am also feeling a lot better because I've got mail today! A great surprise.. and what a surprise it was!

Also, today I took charge of my life and made a step. A tiny step. I don't want to say anything yet but I'll be sure to let those who I can confide in know about it as time proceeds.

Another thing.. I've always been a shy person so I can't really change that completely. Another thing... I know it took me maybe 3-4 years in high school before I reached a point of feeling happy around the people I was with. I am grateful for that, but it makes me wonder. Do I have to wait 3-4 years here before I begin a metamorphosis? But that isn't the only factor in my 1-year trial. There is also money and most importantly, my grades. If I can't keep up, I don't want to bother prolonging in a place that may very well be an atmosphere I cannot study in.

[Music || Clay Aiken, "Invisible"]
How did I go from feeling invincible and that I was finally finding my highs instead of lows to falling back to where I started... all in one summer? It must be true that everything comes in a full circle.

"This is not me." - Delta Goodrem

Why was I built this way? Why I was I built to struggle?

[Music || Mandy Moore, "Coverage" (advanced album)]
First thing's first. Tell "One Tree Hill" to go screw itself for replacing Rachael Leigh Cook's younger "Alias"-like WB show "Fearless" on the Fall schedule. "Fearless" will be pushed to midseason (hopefully!)... so I hope I can see it during Winter break or so (depending when the WB will air it).

Second thing, this sore throat/cold is killing me. My throat burned so much yesterday and I'm completely out of it this weekend. I haven't even done much of my homework (which I have to do tonight). I'm a lot better now, thankfully. My family actually came to visit me today (driving to and from 6 hours!) even though I told them not to. I'm glad they did because I'm a lot better now and they brought me a lot of clothes, medicine, and other necessities.

Third, my internet was down since Friday. I haven't been able to do anything on my computer except play Lemonade Tycoon (I've bought all the upgrades now) and Gold (I made it to the 4th level). On Friday, I actually walked to Walgreens and Albertsons (they make you have a "Preferred Members" card here unlike in LA! Also, they sell Alhambra bottled water!!! SF people love Alhambra water and it's pricey too.).

Fourth, I've come to realize how grateful I am to have friends and family members I can rely on. Having someone to count on isn't something that comes as second nature to me. It takes time for me and I guess I'm just built that way. It will all happen in my own time.

Fifth, I'm going to give SFSU a year. After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that if I am miserable here and cannot stand it at all, I am heading back. It's not a bad thing, I would say. I mean, why prolong feeling miserable more? I'm not feeling terrible now, but I'm just saying. At least I GAVE it a try right? I didn't live my life with regrets. I devoted a year of my life. Who knows how I feel will about this subject matter when summer comes along? Maybe completely different, maybe the same... who knows? I don't care what anybody says since I know what's best for me. Let's leave it up to fate and a little bit of my intervention.

That's all for now. I'm having a good time on my own although having a cold does not help!