"Things That Have Happened"
[Music Hope Partlow, "Sick Inside"]
I went house shopping downtown with two of my roommates. We went to the three-story Ross, which was kinda CRAZY. I bumped into my old pal Z there, so it was really awesome I got to see her after so long. We ended up getting a sheet for our vintage orphan couch we adopted, some more candles, a mail slot, and a porcupine thing. Really bizzare. I will defintely post a pic of our house someday... my roommates do a really good job of decorating. It was fun.

I went out to dinner and Target with Val. It was fun and even when we DON'T want to go to Target, we do. It's so crazy. I wanted to return stuff -- that's it!

I am almost done adding classes.

Econ is hard cookie.

I sent an emotionless letter.

I saw Natasha Bedingfield featured in the US edition of "OK!" magazine.

I'm sick inside. (Okay, i'm just quoting Hope Partlow)

"I'm Not Who You Think"
[Music Jo O'Meara, "What Hurts The Most"]

I feel numb again. This depression state never lifts. Sometimes I feel like it's so hard to put on this fake smile.

Why do I do it? Why do I conform? Why must acceptance by others mean so much to me?

If I didn't fake it all by saying everything was OK when it wasn't, would we have ended?

But don't we all have to compromise for each other? I don't know when being nice is OK and when being too nice is an invite for people to take advantage.

Do I sometimes explode little problems into something huge? Is this normal?

When I came back up here, with so much happening, I suddenly lost my appetite. Today I ate 1.5 meals. For dinner, I had three mochi ice creams; now I feel sick and I want to vomit. I feel weak, like I'm in a coma here in the dense SF fog. I'm stuck...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to escape all this madness.

I don't know who I am anymore. Am I just a reflection of people I want to be? Who is the real me? Was that really me chasing shadows in some dark hotel room? Was it me who drank so much beer my bladder was going into hyperdrive? Did I do all that stuff because it wasn't expected of me? Was I trying to please someone else by doing it? Who am I?

I didn't even really enjoy the sex, drinking, or late-night parties. So why did I say I did?

Why does the truth hurt so much.... As Willa said, somebody take the pain away.