"I'm Not Who You Think"
[Music Jo O'Meara, "What Hurts The Most"]

I feel numb again. This depression state never lifts. Sometimes I feel like it's so hard to put on this fake smile.

Why do I do it? Why do I conform? Why must acceptance by others mean so much to me?

If I didn't fake it all by saying everything was OK when it wasn't, would we have ended?

But don't we all have to compromise for each other? I don't know when being nice is OK and when being too nice is an invite for people to take advantage.

Do I sometimes explode little problems into something huge? Is this normal?

When I came back up here, with so much happening, I suddenly lost my appetite. Today I ate 1.5 meals. For dinner, I had three mochi ice creams; now I feel sick and I want to vomit. I feel weak, like I'm in a coma here in the dense SF fog. I'm stuck...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to escape all this madness.

I don't know who I am anymore. Am I just a reflection of people I want to be? Who is the real me? Was that really me chasing shadows in some dark hotel room? Was it me who drank so much beer my bladder was going into hyperdrive? Did I do all that stuff because it wasn't expected of me? Was I trying to please someone else by doing it? Who am I?

I didn't even really enjoy the sex, drinking, or late-night parties. So why did I say I did?

Why does the truth hurt so much.... As Willa said, somebody take the pain away.