"Can't Sleep"
[Music || Christina Aguilera, "Fighter"]
I know, I know. I shouldn't have picked up the call from Kit tonight but I kind of felt bad since I was the one who called him yesterday. I keep saying I want to be his friend, so I try to be mutual and nice and non-judgemental but it doesn't work.

It's not his fault since he has changed. It's just ever since somebody hurt me really bad, I have a hard time forgiving and starting anew. It's difficult because no matter how that person changed, they're still the one who tore your soul apart.

I know some bad things in the high school years gap with Helen. I am really grateful she was able to forgive me and now we're close friends. She can do it for me, so I question myself why I can't do it for others?

I think I need to try harder to nuture some of my friendships. But, I try sometimes and I end up feeling really bad, discouraged, and I further ask myself why I put up with situations that don't make me happy. I suppose, the answer lies in nuturing and putting in effort -- if that doesn't work and the person really is an a-hole, then it's time to cut the ties that bind.

You see, the thing that parallels this is that tomorrow I want to pay a visit to an old friend. A really close friend. A friend I cared deeply for. It ended, for reasons I am unclear. I can't sleep right now thinking about what will happen. I pray she will give me a chance, pray that she will want to have a conservation, pray she will put in some effort to save what use to be so close. If it cannot, I will be sad, but at least I know I didn't sit there and let it go. This is the final effort on my part and I hope it's not too late. My pride is on the line, but I have no shame. I really care for this. I really do.