EDIT: I wrote this on August 8th and I didn't feel like posting it then. I do now because it seems more fitting. Hehe. Anyways, I didn't edit anything of the original post and if anything, I would've liked to add even more depth in it since more has happened since. Okay, here goes. I have to finish getting off the computer so we're disassembling it. My dad is buggin' me.
Peace,
Kenneth
-----
August 8, 2003
[Music || Delta Goodrem, "This Is Not Me"]
"I didn't like it because I had lost my way."
Why is it that I'm up at 3 a.m. in a conversation where the truth and lies mix into a concoction of poison?
There's just something that isn't working. And I knew it long ago. And I wanted to end it. I did, but I don't know why it was led on. I feel sick, disgusted, and I want to vomit. I don't want to sleep. Then I can't wait up to volunteer on time.
I hate it. I hate us both. I hate this friendship with poison thorns. I hate the piercing of when I tell my truths, I hear them sting back. You ask for the truth, but I already know it will come back and hurt me. No one can hand the truth.
Why can't I stay in my world? No one can take that away from me. This is my blog so I can be the victim. I feel mentally raped of my thoughts. How could I be so vulnerable? How could I let my guard down so you could hurt me in the end. I feel absolutely livid.
There are times like this when I want The Boxcar Children days back again. Young, Jessica... where art thou? Still, things change. People change. Everything changes.
I'm optimistic much of the time. I have to look on the bright side. The cup is half full.
I'm just so confused. How can I be led on to something I know I will regret. If I end this friendship now, I will be blamed for everything. It's only two more weeks until it disappears. Why couldn't I have done that. This is why it's poison. This is poison.
I just don't know what to do. I guess since I'm in this state I'm crazy enough to post about friends.
I use to think I could live without friends. Friends have an "end" in it (I got that from a great book called "Wonder"). I'm grateful for the friendships that I have started and for the people I have gotten to know over my years at San Gabriel. Inspired by BSC: If I count the number of friends I have in one hand, that's a lot of friends.
Olivia - Thank you for everything. You have kept me sane and even though at times we hit a rough patch in our friendship, it is always mended without a doubt. Who would've thought that we would hit it off so well. You are so thoughtful and have let me grow into a better person. I can only hope I have given back 1/10 of the support you have given me. Don't listen to what people say, we know where we stand. I don't want to think how this will work once we part, but try as I might.. I swear I will keep this friendship in tact. You are my friend for life. I will also remember that money doesn't grow on trees.
Kit - Times have been hell, but I know there is more to this friendship than criticism and distrust. Recall the sprinkles of junior year? You have given me the confidence to dream higher. You have brought me down from Cloud 9 and revealed to me that the world isn't as perfect as we all want it to be. There is a darker side to human nature. Thank you for all the fun times and times you have listened to me. You are an amazing person who taught me that beliving in one's self is the first step to happiness.
Ali - Your insight and realism (is that even the right word) are amazing. I love how you tell me I can do whatever I want to. That I can be whoever I want to. That the world isn't a beautiful place but we can make it one if we try. I know I haven't been the friend that has paid you back or been there for you. We both have our own space. You are so cool and a bit mysterious, thank you for letting me know that being myself is okay. You are truly an amazing person and I'm glad to have seen whatever part of your world you've shared with me. It's okay to question and find out new discoveries! That's what life is all about: checking out if windows are see-through at Farmer's Market and sitting on expensive cheese restaurant stools.
Clay - I know we haven't known each other for as long but it doesn't feel that way. To partially quote Kelly Clarkson, "some people search a lifetime" for a friend that just let's them be. Whenever I'm around you I don't have to feel that I have to put a facade on. I can just be myself and that's okay. And all the "good times" of just being lazy. Being friends doesn't mean one has to watch a movie everytime or have an event planned; just playing the guitar is amusing enough. Thank you for being yourself and not conforming to what society and advertisements dictate. I shouldn't care what people think, I've learned to take a step back and speak in Cantonese for fun.
Helen - Although we haven't been the as close as freshman and sophomore year, the times we shared are forever burned in my memories. You have taught me that life isn't so bad. We can have a "beautiful life" and we should never stop dreaming. I remember your jokes (about cooking for your cousin, lol). I remember a Jpeg you emailed to me: "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." No matter what lemons Ms. Chen throws at me, I shall never forget to smile and laugh. I wish you a beautiful life and I know we will have one, why? "Because We Want To!"
Danh - I like how you show me the world is a wonderful place and there is more good than bad. And you know what, mostly, it is.
Jue - You are hilarious. I think a large part of who I am today was shaped by you. You taught me that I could be myself and I didn't have to be "normal." Who gives a --- if people don't care? We can do what we want and just be ourselves. You taught me how to question everything. There isn't anything called a stupid question. Also, who knew aluminum foil could make such crafty tin figures? Everything can be seen in a different way. Now, I think we've lost what connected us in a large account. I'm more grounded, but I know we'll always have windshield wiper photos.
Steven - Thank you for never taking anything too seriously. You have such a thick skin against comments that if directed at me, would break my fragile bones. Although I don't agree with you on many subjects and morals, I respect you being able to do as you please. We will always have Lene Marlin, I hope.
Peace,
Kenneth
-----
August 8, 2003
[Music || Delta Goodrem, "This Is Not Me"]
"I didn't like it because I had lost my way."
Why is it that I'm up at 3 a.m. in a conversation where the truth and lies mix into a concoction of poison?
There's just something that isn't working. And I knew it long ago. And I wanted to end it. I did, but I don't know why it was led on. I feel sick, disgusted, and I want to vomit. I don't want to sleep. Then I can't wait up to volunteer on time.
I hate it. I hate us both. I hate this friendship with poison thorns. I hate the piercing of when I tell my truths, I hear them sting back. You ask for the truth, but I already know it will come back and hurt me. No one can hand the truth.
Why can't I stay in my world? No one can take that away from me. This is my blog so I can be the victim. I feel mentally raped of my thoughts. How could I be so vulnerable? How could I let my guard down so you could hurt me in the end. I feel absolutely livid.
There are times like this when I want The Boxcar Children days back again. Young, Jessica... where art thou? Still, things change. People change. Everything changes.
I'm optimistic much of the time. I have to look on the bright side. The cup is half full.
I'm just so confused. How can I be led on to something I know I will regret. If I end this friendship now, I will be blamed for everything. It's only two more weeks until it disappears. Why couldn't I have done that. This is why it's poison. This is poison.
I just don't know what to do. I guess since I'm in this state I'm crazy enough to post about friends.
I use to think I could live without friends. Friends have an "end" in it (I got that from a great book called "Wonder"). I'm grateful for the friendships that I have started and for the people I have gotten to know over my years at San Gabriel. Inspired by BSC: If I count the number of friends I have in one hand, that's a lot of friends.
Olivia - Thank you for everything. You have kept me sane and even though at times we hit a rough patch in our friendship, it is always mended without a doubt. Who would've thought that we would hit it off so well. You are so thoughtful and have let me grow into a better person. I can only hope I have given back 1/10 of the support you have given me. Don't listen to what people say, we know where we stand. I don't want to think how this will work once we part, but try as I might.. I swear I will keep this friendship in tact. You are my friend for life. I will also remember that money doesn't grow on trees.
Kit - Times have been hell, but I know there is more to this friendship than criticism and distrust. Recall the sprinkles of junior year? You have given me the confidence to dream higher. You have brought me down from Cloud 9 and revealed to me that the world isn't as perfect as we all want it to be. There is a darker side to human nature. Thank you for all the fun times and times you have listened to me. You are an amazing person who taught me that beliving in one's self is the first step to happiness.
Ali - Your insight and realism (is that even the right word) are amazing. I love how you tell me I can do whatever I want to. That I can be whoever I want to. That the world isn't a beautiful place but we can make it one if we try. I know I haven't been the friend that has paid you back or been there for you. We both have our own space. You are so cool and a bit mysterious, thank you for letting me know that being myself is okay. You are truly an amazing person and I'm glad to have seen whatever part of your world you've shared with me. It's okay to question and find out new discoveries! That's what life is all about: checking out if windows are see-through at Farmer's Market and sitting on expensive cheese restaurant stools.
Clay - I know we haven't known each other for as long but it doesn't feel that way. To partially quote Kelly Clarkson, "some people search a lifetime" for a friend that just let's them be. Whenever I'm around you I don't have to feel that I have to put a facade on. I can just be myself and that's okay. And all the "good times" of just being lazy. Being friends doesn't mean one has to watch a movie everytime or have an event planned; just playing the guitar is amusing enough. Thank you for being yourself and not conforming to what society and advertisements dictate. I shouldn't care what people think, I've learned to take a step back and speak in Cantonese for fun.
Helen - Although we haven't been the as close as freshman and sophomore year, the times we shared are forever burned in my memories. You have taught me that life isn't so bad. We can have a "beautiful life" and we should never stop dreaming. I remember your jokes (about cooking for your cousin, lol). I remember a Jpeg you emailed to me: "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." No matter what lemons Ms. Chen throws at me, I shall never forget to smile and laugh. I wish you a beautiful life and I know we will have one, why? "Because We Want To!"
Danh - I like how you show me the world is a wonderful place and there is more good than bad. And you know what, mostly, it is.
Jue - You are hilarious. I think a large part of who I am today was shaped by you. You taught me that I could be myself and I didn't have to be "normal." Who gives a --- if people don't care? We can do what we want and just be ourselves. You taught me how to question everything. There isn't anything called a stupid question. Also, who knew aluminum foil could make such crafty tin figures? Everything can be seen in a different way. Now, I think we've lost what connected us in a large account. I'm more grounded, but I know we'll always have windshield wiper photos.
Steven - Thank you for never taking anything too seriously. You have such a thick skin against comments that if directed at me, would break my fragile bones. Although I don't agree with you on many subjects and morals, I respect you being able to do as you please. We will always have Lene Marlin, I hope.
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