[Music || Lene Marlin, "Playing My Game" (album)]
Like Ashanti's album, there comes a time to start Chapter II in a relationship or dwindle down to a solid "The End." Today, I don't know what state of mind I would've been in if Helen wasn't at the library.
I honestly was confused because I didn't know where to stand in my relationship with Kit. There have been good times, but for quite some time, I felt the friendship took its turn for the nasty. Yet, what I wanted, I could not have. It was not fair to have a friend, but a friend AT A DISTANCE. It wouldn't be fair at all, but I didn't know what to say. He's leaving for college tomorrow and yet our friendship was on the line - nothing was happening. After some reasoning, I decided.. it was better to talk than to not talk at all. Thinking he was leaving today (this morning), I called him last night but to no avail. Same this morning. But then around noon, Lien called and said he was still here and we were going to have lunch. I could already picture the silence, but somehow.. I could not let a friend who has shaped me in some way leave without seeing him off.
And silence there was. I didn't have much to say and I didn't want to throw anything false into the doomed concoction. I discovered today that silence was worst than angry words. It was very unnatural and even though I have not seen/hear him in a week and more, nothing changed. I could sense this friendship will never be what it once was. There was no one to blame and I don't think there should be. It's just that sometimes, after the pretense, people find out they really weren't the friends they thought they were. Maybe the things I did not want to see was what I backed away from and distanced myself for a while from the friendship.
So, I did not have the strength to say anything. Partly, I did not know what to say and I could not say it. I was so confused and my head was spinning. This was reality. Turned out, weak me did not have to say anything. As Lien was dropping me off at my house after lunch, I thanked her and wished Kit good luck and to see him around. Instead, he asked to speak to me as she waited in the car. So there it was, the line was drawn and the shaky cradle fell down.
It was expected, but all my words were lost. I gave an Amy Studt "false smile" to not let my nervous guard down even more and walked slowly into my house (as to not run since that would seem worse). I felt happy and sad at the same time like Leigh at the end of the book "Dear Mr. Henshaw." Yet, my emotions were mixed. I wanted to be friends, yet the person I wanted to be mutual friends with was no longer a person I thought I knew. I don't know why I felt this way when ending the mess was what I wanted most at times. I had to talk to someone.
I phoned Helen. No one picked up. Earlier in the day, she called me and we talked. I hinted that I might see her at Monterey Park Library later in the afternoon since she said she was planning to go there. Thank goodness, I needed to talk to her more than ever. It seemed as if these last couple of days, the connection and bond we had during sophomore and freshman year was always there. Within five minutes, I told my dad I was heading for the library and snatched my recently made photo album of memories and jumped in the car.
Blasting Delta Goodrem's "Born To Try" with the windows rolled down, my mind was mixed with so many emotions. I had to talk to someone. In my mind, I prayed "Please Helen, be there!" And I was in a nervous state of mind when I saw her. She was asking me what was wrong, but it wasn't until we went to the park across to talk that I finally let go (the library IS not a place to do this type of talking!). I just let everything pour out. Thank you Helen, for listening to me and allowing me to express what I feel. The day turned out to be carefree and this definitely brought me closer to Helen. She tells me stuff AS IS and am glad to have a friend like her. It's funny how things work out.
These series of event allowed me to grow more as a person that I am forever becoming. Even if it isn't always easy.
Like Ashanti's album, there comes a time to start Chapter II in a relationship or dwindle down to a solid "The End." Today, I don't know what state of mind I would've been in if Helen wasn't at the library.
I honestly was confused because I didn't know where to stand in my relationship with Kit. There have been good times, but for quite some time, I felt the friendship took its turn for the nasty. Yet, what I wanted, I could not have. It was not fair to have a friend, but a friend AT A DISTANCE. It wouldn't be fair at all, but I didn't know what to say. He's leaving for college tomorrow and yet our friendship was on the line - nothing was happening. After some reasoning, I decided.. it was better to talk than to not talk at all. Thinking he was leaving today (this morning), I called him last night but to no avail. Same this morning. But then around noon, Lien called and said he was still here and we were going to have lunch. I could already picture the silence, but somehow.. I could not let a friend who has shaped me in some way leave without seeing him off.
And silence there was. I didn't have much to say and I didn't want to throw anything false into the doomed concoction. I discovered today that silence was worst than angry words. It was very unnatural and even though I have not seen/hear him in a week and more, nothing changed. I could sense this friendship will never be what it once was. There was no one to blame and I don't think there should be. It's just that sometimes, after the pretense, people find out they really weren't the friends they thought they were. Maybe the things I did not want to see was what I backed away from and distanced myself for a while from the friendship.
So, I did not have the strength to say anything. Partly, I did not know what to say and I could not say it. I was so confused and my head was spinning. This was reality. Turned out, weak me did not have to say anything. As Lien was dropping me off at my house after lunch, I thanked her and wished Kit good luck and to see him around. Instead, he asked to speak to me as she waited in the car. So there it was, the line was drawn and the shaky cradle fell down.
It was expected, but all my words were lost. I gave an Amy Studt "false smile" to not let my nervous guard down even more and walked slowly into my house (as to not run since that would seem worse). I felt happy and sad at the same time like Leigh at the end of the book "Dear Mr. Henshaw." Yet, my emotions were mixed. I wanted to be friends, yet the person I wanted to be mutual friends with was no longer a person I thought I knew. I don't know why I felt this way when ending the mess was what I wanted most at times. I had to talk to someone.
I phoned Helen. No one picked up. Earlier in the day, she called me and we talked. I hinted that I might see her at Monterey Park Library later in the afternoon since she said she was planning to go there. Thank goodness, I needed to talk to her more than ever. It seemed as if these last couple of days, the connection and bond we had during sophomore and freshman year was always there. Within five minutes, I told my dad I was heading for the library and snatched my recently made photo album of memories and jumped in the car.
Blasting Delta Goodrem's "Born To Try" with the windows rolled down, my mind was mixed with so many emotions. I had to talk to someone. In my mind, I prayed "Please Helen, be there!" And I was in a nervous state of mind when I saw her. She was asking me what was wrong, but it wasn't until we went to the park across to talk that I finally let go (the library IS not a place to do this type of talking!). I just let everything pour out. Thank you Helen, for listening to me and allowing me to express what I feel. The day turned out to be carefree and this definitely brought me closer to Helen. She tells me stuff AS IS and am glad to have a friend like her. It's funny how things work out.
These series of event allowed me to grow more as a person that I am forever becoming. Even if it isn't always easy.
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