"When you've worked as hard, and done as much, and strived, and tried, and given, and pleaded, and bargained, and hoped: surrender. When you have done all you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself."
-Oprah

I heard Oprah's story years ago on her 20th Anniversary DVD and it has impacted my life.

There are times I get so frustrated in wanting things to happen when I want them to. I've learned after doing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I can, I have to let it go. It's no longer in my control and in order to live, be sane, and healthy, I have to surrender it and give it up.

I've surrendered when it came to relationships, my career, my housing, and more.

Cheryl Cole "Promise This" performance on X-Factor (UK)

Unfortunately, it won't allow me to embed the video, but this live performance is visual proof to me that if you put in the work, you will be rewarded.

Cheryl's on-point performance shows. You can see her putting in 120% to deliver the best show she can.

The energy in her performance is captivating. I can't take my eyes off.

"Promise This" went straight to #1, proving the success of her first album was no fluke.

I am starting over with class in a day, and I know for any chance at success, I am going to have to work as hard and want it as bad as Cheryl did in this performance.

"I just want to play happy people. I'm a commercial kind of gal, and yeah, I would love to do a Monster, but I don't have any grand aspirations to do my Academy Award-winning movie. I love Kate Winslet, but I know I couldn't have her career. Her choices are so fascinating and character-driven. But you gotta drag me to see Babel, you gotta drag me to see Children of Men. The Notebook is one of my all-time favorite movies."
-Katherine Heigl, Entertainment Weekly (#938 June 8, 2007)

“I know that every thought that I think, every thought that I have, that moves into action is going to create an equal and opposite reaction. So everything that I put out into the world is going to come back. It’s the golden rule on steroids.” -Oprah

Things I learned today:

1. No amount of flashy advertisement directed by Frank Miller and starring sexpot, glistening Captain America can sell me on Gucci Guilty. It's costly, smells nondescript-sweet, cheap, and powdery, and it doesn't last more than an hour. The purple juice reminds me of Hi-C.

2. I can be threatened anywhere and anytime, as I was told to "go to hell, faggot". After walking out of Sephora, blissfully happy with a new tube of Bliss, a lady wearing a baggy red sweatshirt and what looked to be Gucci sunglasses, stopped me to ask if I spoke English. I'm through with ignoring people, so I said yes to be polite since she might have needed help with directions of some sort. She told me, "I'm homeless and I'm pregnant."

There are resources where you can find help, and those resources are not in the non-public area of the Pasadena Paseo Shopping Center. I said sorry, I could not help. She snapped and said "Oh, I see. Go to hell."

I was PISSED. Granted, she may be homeless AND pregnant, and I should empathize with her and realize she might be struggling, but there's no reason to be disrespectful. I shouldn't expect her to know how to be respectful (except she was quite respectful when asking for money a few seconds prior). However, I was being nice to her, when I could've just brushed her off! I told her, SHE was the one ASKING ME for money, and just because I didn't want to give her any she shouldn't be rude about it.

She then went on to tell me to "Go to hell, FAGGOT". Okay, as if being rude wasn't enough, she decides to use derogatory insults. I told her she was ignorant, but I could've said a lot more except it wasn't worth it. I'm surprised no one else walking by said anything. She tried stepping toward me, and I felt threatened. In a mall shopping plaza!!

I then went to find mall security, who then found her asking more people for help. First of, the shopping plaza was NOT a public area so she could not ask and disturb shoppers such as me. I felt uncomfortable and left after I talked to mall security, which meant I spent less time and revenue there.

I never give money to homeless people because I work damn hard for my money and right now I'm not working! I also donate through United Way and other organizations that seek to help people in poverty. It is my money and it is my choice, and I'm sorry if one has to beg for it in a mall, but they should be going to other resources for help.

In addition, I'm not sure how likely I am to return to the Paseo to shop anytime soon. Their mall security was hidden away in some office near the parking garage instead of a kiosk in the center. I felt unsafe, and could not imagine having to feel that way in Pasadena or a shopping plaza.

Crazier Things...

I caught Marie Digby's track "Crazier Things" by accident yesterday. I wasn't feeling her sophomore album up to this point.

I love the lyrics because they captured what I was feeling for the beginning of Summer.

Some people have questioned me, WHY?? Why are you doing so much? Putting all your effort? Taking a risk?

Because CRAZIER THINGS have happened. People get sick. They die. Things beyond our control.

Here I am fortunate as I can be so why not allow myself a chance at happiness in a relationship? It might be a long shot, but I took it.

I didn't want to believe it, but it was a very realistic possibility - you didn't want to give us a chance. I can't force anyone to accept anything. I just hope you are happy.

I give you the chance, and you didn't take it. Do I regret anything?

No.. I feel liberated. I'm free now to continue living, loving, without wondering WHAT IF...

I put myself out there.. I gave us a chance and it didn't work out. I move on. I continue.

"When you don't believe children, you rob them."
-Sandy "Pepa" Denton, Let's Talk About Pep (Pg. 20)

"It is all about numbers. It is all about sequence. It's the mathematical logic of being alive. If everything kept to its normal progression, we would live with the sadness -- cry and then walk -- but what really breaks us cleanest are the losses that happen out of order."

-Mona Gray
An Invisible Sign of My Own (Pg. 196)
by Aimee Bender

Takes Me Back #1: Jesse McCartney - "Beautiful Soul"

"Takes Me Back" is a fun, personal project for me to reflect.

Prologue:
Growing up, I was a big fan of collecting physical CDs (as I didn't grow up with vinyl!) because each CD holds a memory. If I dig out my CDs, I can tell you a story behind each one -- whether it related to the music or not, there was a reason why that CD was brought to my collection.

Alas, moving to college and having almost no space in my studio, along with the death of CDs, they took up too much room. Nowadays, I've accustomed and flowed with the downloads and single-track format.

"Takes Me Back" is a recollection of songs, and the story behind what they mean to me.
---

Takes Me Back #1
Song: "Beautiful Soul"
Artist: Jesse McCartney

I detested Jesse when this came about on the airwaves. I did not hold Dreamstreet in high regards, especially how eerie it was to see boys that young dress and act the part of sex symbols.

Alas, "Beautiful Soul" was pop and it was not ashamed of it. It seemed like my online buddies could not get enough of it, going as far as saying even their "straight" roommates loved it.

I caught the bug (after a while, of course). Despite his questionable vocal abilities, this song and production is unabashedly optimistic in love.

"Beautiful Soul" came on my mp3 Player shuffle yesterday in rush hour, and I could not help but sing along and remincise.

This bright pop number takes me back to... my first date(s). I was so excited, having had a truly wonderful date, and dropping him off at his apartment.

I can't recall the exact date or time, but I do know I was dreaming, sighing, feeling elated, getting on the 405 Freeway (which I was not familiar with at the time). "Beautiful Soul" came on, and all I could think about was him and how happy I was.

This was the first time I opened myself to date and meet guys, allowing myself the possiblity of discovering happiness with someone. It was exhilarating, in addition to finally being able to "relate" to a pop song's ridiculously nonsensical lyrics.

Needless to say... I drove past the 10 Freeway ramp, got lost, and had to find my way back in unfamiliar terrain. But it was so worth it. :-)

To tell him, for they rarely did anything. Even after many years in the profession, he still asked himself why they were so afraid of being different.

-Veronika Decides To Die, Paulo Coelho
P. 144