"Loss"
[Music Lucy Woodward, "Standing"]
I like my new cologne. I like my new watch. I don't like how it burned a hole in my credit card spending!

Yesterday, I talked to my good friend Kim-L. She opened my perspective on relationships. I have been closed up so often because I can't bear to share myself with anyone. I don't want to be burned again. I don't want to be emotionally scarred. I cannot let go that easy... even though I know there will come a day I will love again, trust again. Kim-L told me, she learned that we cannot share ourselves with just ONE person, but with many. We can't confide all of ourselves to a "soulmate," the one or whatever you call him/her. It doesn't work that way. It's easier, stronger, safer if you share yourself with a network of friends who are your support system.

I haven't been doing this. Instead, I clam up and block everyone out. I'm too afraid of feeling the pain. I've lost so many close to me and each time, they tell me it's NOT my fault. If I keep losing all those dear to me, perhaps I am the problem. I need to reevaluate myself and find out what is wrong with me. If I don't tell you everything, I am boring, cold, and not true to myself, so you leave. If I let you in, you see my flaws and leave. What can I do? Why must everybody I care about leave? That is the reason I feel I cannot trust anymore.

And I wonder if there is any reason I want to let anyone in when all it brings is pain.

Nights I dream of you and all it becomes is a nightmare. What did I do wrong? How dare you? Why? WHY.

"There's no doubt I should be OK by now, but I'm not there yet... There will come a moment we're gonna meet again, baby you won't even bother me. Gonna make it to the day you're just an old boyfriend (girlfriend). "
-Kaci, "Just An Old Boyfriend"

These are the pieces of me... beautifully broken. I wonder when that day will come, that day I am content.