"Mental Pollution"
[Music Vanessa Carlton, "White Houses"]
I succeeded finish "The Bell Jar" on my 4th attempt. Boy, am I glad. It's one of the best literature I've read. I love all her vivid details. I love all the descriptions. I love how Sylvia Plath lets us inside parts of Esther's crazy mind. At times, I become so engross by the story, I see myself in Esther. The world is a bad dream at times.

Lately, I've felt like I was suffocating. I still do. Like I'm trapped, inhaling the stale air, and not sure what to do with my life. I hated everything. I hated the way my parents talked to me. I hated the interactions with friends. I hated the idea of life after college. I hated how a certain person lead me on and then abandoned me. I hated when I gave you control, let my vulnerabilities open, you left me high and dry. I hated when ex-friends keep digging up the past and won't let me erase all bad stuff away. I hated being nice and inviting people to a day of fun only to have them come back and question your intentions. I hated all the pressure of the pressure cooker. I hated how my hair fell. I hated how I stopped going to the gym just to be narcissistic for who? I hated reassuring and comforting you because that's what I want to hear too when I just wanted to say, "I agree, the world is a sucky place."

I've often wonder why we must suffer through life with so much bad than good. That's why I think bringing children into this world is a selfish act.

I feel like I'm in my twenties right now, thinking like a twentysomething about how confused I am with what direction to take which will pave the way for my future. It sounds like the depressing Buffy season. I sound like Jamie Cullum lyrics. I sound like I'm ahead of my time, trying to figure out my wasteland/second coming-of-age before it happens so I can figure out how to avoid it.

This post was utterly pointless. It probably doesn't mean anything at all. But I just had to let it all out.