The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
I was rummaging through my old musings the other day and came across a powerful line I quoted from Jo Davidson's diary. It is something we often forget in our quest to accomplish things: cramming for exams, finding love, getting a job, buying a house, starting a family, our quest to be numero uno.
"I sure would love to have all the answers when it comes to faith, healing, timing, the reasons for everything. We do not know everything now in this world or even control as much as we like to think we do. Not that we are helpless. We co create our lives. To what extent I don't really know. Probably both more and less than we think. Control is a big thing in this country. We think we are always in the driver's seat and everything is in our hands and ours alone. That is not to diminish the power we do have. We love to set our goals, map out our days with determination and force. We like to accomplish accomplish accomplish and often judge ourselves on the latest thing we have produced. And what is left of us when the machine stops? I mean REALLY stops. When the production line comes to a deadening halt? Especially in our "prime" years? What then is our value and worth? It is the hardest thing to face, to have to learn that our worth is not tied to what we create. We are worthy just because God chose to create us."
-Jo Davidson
Yesterday I was administered anesthesia to put me to sleep for 30 minutes. I was always fascinated by the thought of sleeping forever. As my body numbed, my eyelids drooped, and I shivered because I couldn't move a finger despite my will, I thought -- wouldn't it be amazing if it all ended here?
There's just so much trouble in this world. I know I have so much more than a lot of people and I should be thankful, but I hate the feeling of being down. I've been sad ever since I can remember. I thought maybe I would outgrow it and change, but I'm still reaching, reaching for a place where I can feel safe, content, at peace. I don't want pity for anyone; I just want peace for myself but in doing so, I know I will hurt many. Wouldn't it be nice to be have invisibility?
My friend and I always ask why we are the sad ones. We mean the ones who are sadder than most others -- or at least, we don't deny that we are sad. I don't have a concrete answer because it is not only one thing. I hate this world -- I hate all the liars, the hate, the discrimination, the obstacles I have to face because I don't have privileges. I dislike the personality I was born with and try as I might, I cannot hone it into the fake-outgoingness everyone seems to love and want. I hate the expectations lied upon me to start a family or to get a good job or to go back to school.
I just want to be me but it is impossible with all the expectations from family, friends, and especially society. It's hard to dust it off.
Thus, Jo's quote is powerful and I must remember: I am worthy because I am here. It is not by what I accomplish or create. Success shouldn't be measured by a letter, a grade, a score, a paycheck, a lover, a trophy, another notch under my belt. Those will be forgotten, will mean nothing in due time. What I do does not define who I am.
As some of you may know, Jo Davidson is the voice behind the fantastic songs "Kiss Me There," "Mental Pollution," "All Around Me," "Fragile Tough Girl," "Bird In The Sky," and much, much more. She also has her own online talk show called Zentertainment, which is about finding out what IS possible in our lives.
In recent years, Jo shared with her fans on her diary that she is battling CFIDS (Chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome). She truly is a resilient person who is strong, talented, beautiful.
Check out her website at http://www.jodavidson.com
I was rummaging through my old musings the other day and came across a powerful line I quoted from Jo Davidson's diary. It is something we often forget in our quest to accomplish things: cramming for exams, finding love, getting a job, buying a house, starting a family, our quest to be numero uno.
"I sure would love to have all the answers when it comes to faith, healing, timing, the reasons for everything. We do not know everything now in this world or even control as much as we like to think we do. Not that we are helpless. We co create our lives. To what extent I don't really know. Probably both more and less than we think. Control is a big thing in this country. We think we are always in the driver's seat and everything is in our hands and ours alone. That is not to diminish the power we do have. We love to set our goals, map out our days with determination and force. We like to accomplish accomplish accomplish and often judge ourselves on the latest thing we have produced. And what is left of us when the machine stops? I mean REALLY stops. When the production line comes to a deadening halt? Especially in our "prime" years? What then is our value and worth? It is the hardest thing to face, to have to learn that our worth is not tied to what we create. We are worthy just because God chose to create us."
-Jo Davidson
Yesterday I was administered anesthesia to put me to sleep for 30 minutes. I was always fascinated by the thought of sleeping forever. As my body numbed, my eyelids drooped, and I shivered because I couldn't move a finger despite my will, I thought -- wouldn't it be amazing if it all ended here?
There's just so much trouble in this world. I know I have so much more than a lot of people and I should be thankful, but I hate the feeling of being down. I've been sad ever since I can remember. I thought maybe I would outgrow it and change, but I'm still reaching, reaching for a place where I can feel safe, content, at peace. I don't want pity for anyone; I just want peace for myself but in doing so, I know I will hurt many. Wouldn't it be nice to be have invisibility?
My friend and I always ask why we are the sad ones. We mean the ones who are sadder than most others -- or at least, we don't deny that we are sad. I don't have a concrete answer because it is not only one thing. I hate this world -- I hate all the liars, the hate, the discrimination, the obstacles I have to face because I don't have privileges. I dislike the personality I was born with and try as I might, I cannot hone it into the fake-outgoingness everyone seems to love and want. I hate the expectations lied upon me to start a family or to get a good job or to go back to school.
I just want to be me but it is impossible with all the expectations from family, friends, and especially society. It's hard to dust it off.
Thus, Jo's quote is powerful and I must remember: I am worthy because I am here. It is not by what I accomplish or create. Success shouldn't be measured by a letter, a grade, a score, a paycheck, a lover, a trophy, another notch under my belt. Those will be forgotten, will mean nothing in due time. What I do does not define who I am.
As some of you may know, Jo Davidson is the voice behind the fantastic songs "Kiss Me There," "Mental Pollution," "All Around Me," "Fragile Tough Girl," "Bird In The Sky," and much, much more. She also has her own online talk show called Zentertainment, which is about finding out what IS possible in our lives.
In recent years, Jo shared with her fans on her diary that she is battling CFIDS (Chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome). She truly is a resilient person who is strong, talented, beautiful.
Check out her website at http://www.jodavidson.com
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