"Nothing Good About This"
[Music Rachel Stevens, "Come And Get It" Album]

Sigh. My room smells like barf right now.

To that @#$@#%#@$ker who checked out the Reserve Book a full day after its due date - I hope very bad things happen to you. You are such a fker. Reserve Books are for an hour check-out and you had to ruin it for the rest of us who needs it for our project.

@#$@#$#@$ the teacher who decided to choose a book that is out of print and available at only one SF library (checked out, coincidentally).

@#$@#$@# to the snoot-ty Reserve book room girl who wouldn't even try to help me. She coulda went and check for the book.. but no.. she had to have a stuck up attitude.

@#$@#$@% home and SF. I feel homeless.

I don't like it when I'm home. It feels awkward. I feel uncomfortable around my family. I avoid "friends." I hate how rude some people are in the community. I hate how nothing happens there. I am filled with fear and anger at home.

I don't like my SF home. I feel this incredible burden on my shoulders. I hate thinking of the underlying tension. I don't enjoy going to school each day, wanting to leave class early. I don't enjoy school. I don't find it a learning process. I feel like I'm cheating my way through. I know when I graduate, I won't feel like I accomplished anything. Even more, I know I won't land a job. Or get where I ever want to be. I thought my high school graduation was an accomplishment of some sort -- making it through the miserable days of popularity contests (what was that shit called, ASB or Executive Broads or whatever) and arrogant cliques (like Mr. Campbell's Debate squad).

This is a bitter rant. I am aware.

My parents don't understand. I have a fucking illness. Don't you get it? I've been suicidal and depressed all my life. And I don't fucking know why. I KNOW I have more than many could ask for. Many would trade shoes with me in a minute. You tell me to get a job and distract the hell out of me. I did that. And you know what, all the fuck in my head catches up with me sooner or later. I feel miserable. I just want to disappear. That's taking the easy way out, but so what? I can't imagine why anyone would bring a child into this world. You suffer so much. You see so much suffering. And you want an innocent child to go through the same? Fuck life and fuck people.

I don't know why I feel out of my mind sometimes. I just know I want something to help me get through all this. Pills? A therapist? I don't know.

I'll be honest.. since I usually don't reveal anything about myself. I keep so much bottled up and there is a reason. I can't risk pain. I keep so much to myself and I know that. Sometimes, I hear myself in a conversation and figure I'm the boringest person ever... that's because nothing I talk about is about me. I've done this for so long, I don't even know who I am.

1. I don't like being a minority. I have to work so much damn harder for everything. On top of that, I will never be accepted into the majority. I hate how we're socially constructed to only accept "white." Check out every fucking sitcom. Every reality show. Everything. Fuck, yesterday in our group circles, I was the ONLY one not talked to. I was the ONLY one pushed to the side. I was the ONLY one that guy didn't hand his resume to. You know why? I'm not sure, but maybe because I was the only one who was different. To be Asian female is completely different than being Asian male. When you're an Asian male, you aren't "cool." When you're Asian female, you are "cute" and "exotic."

2. I don't know what I want sexually. I can't imagine staying with someone only for cuddling.. nor can I leave behind all the kink. I don't want it dirty, but then I do. Without pain, there can't be pleasure. We learned in class yesterday that a reason people like S&M is because they can escape their higher-self state. I think that's what I want to do. Escape who I am.

3. I am never the best at anything. Nor am I good. I am just here.

4. Why do my parents think I'm depressed because of ONE problem. They always think if they solve "this one problem," I'll be happy. Truth is, I don't know why I'm sad. I don't know how I can be happy. Buying stuff will NOT make you happy. What makes me sad is making my parents sad, but I can't help it. I can't always pretend to be happy when I'm not. When I'm sad, I don't know why. I just know I want it to end. I said it once, I'll say it again -- I never asked to be born. I don't like this world. The cons outweight the pro. But I'm too scared to cheat life and do something stupid like kill myself. I'd rather let fate decide.

Some things that make me sad:
-Unreliable friends
-Family falling apart
-Grew up in a family where I was loved, but the love was shown differently. I am puzzled til this day
-Gossiping/ Asian gossip where everything is blabbered negatively.
-The future..
-Why I can't escape everyone
-I want to be independent, but I'm always dependent
-Job/Not wanting to work
-Not being like other college students, not doing what they do
-Not wanting to get into a relationship at the moment, because I'm not commited.
-Hair

5. The reason I want to block everyone from me is because I don't want to be hurt by you. I know one day I will get hurt. I have been hurt. So if I'm not talking to you or answering your call, you know why. Otherwise, if I am, then you're part of my network of un-close friends -- friends I know I will never fully rely on and vice versa.

So there is a chapter of my life. Rachel Stevens' album is amazing. Go and Get It.